Written By: Alexis-Rose Abendanio
Rookie Reporter
Life is a rose garden. Rose gardens are colorful, fragrant, and beautiful to admire from the outside. As you step in to take in the sight, you understand things are not as they may seem. In order to appreciate all the beauty of the garden, you must be vigilant of its thorns. For as beautiful a sight to behold, the thorns within the bush can pierce you, make you bleed, leaving behind a scar to remember both its beauty and pain.
While life is beautiful, it can also hurt you. Does that mean that we should run from these experiences? I believe that in order to fully embrace life, we must learn to appreciate the beauty that is around us, while being vigilant to the things that can cause pain and heartache. A rose garden is made up of many bushes like our lives are made up of many people and experiences. Some roses will grow big and beautiful to shine and stand out. Some roses are smaller, yet smell just as sweet. Some roses may never fully bloom. Some roses seem to live forever. But, no matter what rose, they all have thorns.
I used to believe that my dad was just a thorn. While we shared great moments, I often felt left out and that he favored my baby brother above me. It took me losing him to realize that was never the truth. My father worked as a truck driver for over 20 years, able to drive anything and everything. Driving was his life. As a young adult, my dad suffered from hypertension (high blood pressure) and Type II diabetes. The combination of these 2 illnesses led him to being diagnosed with End Stage Renal Failure. The final years of his life were plagued with doctors appointments, endless medical tests, and four-hour dialysis treatments three times a week. On July 20, 2019, almost a month after his 51st birthday, my father had his first of four seizures during dialysis. That ultimately led to his death.
These episodes had caused a major disruption in my home. My dad’s driver’s license was suspended. Without his license, it was almost as if they took away his reason to live. I watched my mother struggle to take care of my family. My father was rushed to the hospital by ambulance multiple times. I had to make sure my little brother was taken care of, all while struggling with school. I spent many nights crying, calling up friends, doing whatever I could to keep myself together.
October 19, 2019 was a day that changed my life forever. I headed to my first drill competition for JROTC. I practiced every day and night perfecting the drill sequences for the regulation phase of the meet as I knew my father would be watching me in the crowd. My dad and I never had the best relationship growing up, but this was the one thing in my life that my dad had taken interest in. It was a beautiful, sunny day, my whole family was there to cheer me on. My team even placed third in the competition. The memory that sticks to my mind the most was my dad sitting there with the biggest smile on his face, giving me a thumbs up. I can still hear him saying, “You looked really good out there, Lexis.” That would be the last time that I would see my dad alive. The next time I would see him, he would be hooked up to a ventilator on life support, and that’s how he remained till we removed the vents four days later.
As I reflect on the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death, it finally hits me that he really is gone. I still expect to see him come through the front door coming home from work or dialysis. I keep waiting to hear his bellowing voice from downstairs say, “Lexis, wanna go for a drive” as my mom and younger brother were already getting ready in the room across the hall, but his voice is silent, and he will never come through that door again. The rose that collected so many thorns had wilted and for a while, I was lost without it.
While it’s sad to know that my dad won’t be there at my graduation, my wedding, and the birth of my children, his impact is like a scar on my heart. Although painful, a reminder of all my experiences with him. I am positive that these are events that weighed heavy on his mind in his final days, and I’m sure that he was scared he had run out of time. “Will my family be okay without me? Will they remember me when I’m gone? Did I love them enough to last their lifetime?”
In my journey over the past year, I’ve learned to laugh through the tears and found joy in my pain. Oftentimes, I felt as though my father hated me as he was angry with me more times than not. I realize now, he just didn’t know how to love me. As I think about my short 15 years with him, I am able to be comforted by my memories. I understand that my dad loved me the best he knew how, and because of that, he will never be absent in my life.
“Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed, that with the sun’s love in the spring becomes the rose,” The Rose by Bette Midler. He is rooted in my soul like that rose bush in the garden. Every rose bud in my life that blooms will share a piece of my dad’s love forever.
